#WeKnowWhatYourSelfieLooksLike

I’m a big Instagram, Facebook and Twitter user. Maybe it’s because my desire for social interaction has sky-rocketed since I began working from home.

I don’t hate social media by any means, in fact I love it. I’ve been able to reconnect with a lot of people that I would have otherwise missed out on. However, I think one of the biggest things that bothers me is the illusion that if you upload a photo of yourself and put #selfie next to it you have excused your vanity.

It is much like burping at a kitchen table and excusing yourself and expecting everyone to not be disgusted. If you really, really can’t control yourself then by all means let it out but when was the last time you saw someone burp loudly in a nice restaurant? Not often. You hold it in, try to take it somewhere else and politely do it so no one else can see it or hear it.

But for some reason, it has been unconsciously deemed ok for girls to upload photos of themselves if they’ve hashtagged selfie. You’re not fooling anyone. I think it would be better to just write what you really want to say “I think I look good and I want to show you so you can tell me I look good, too.” At least we are being honest.

I am no stranger to taking photos of myself, and there may be 3 of just me out of 376 photos on my Instagram (we’re all a little vain) – but really ladies? Uploading one #selfie daily is a little out of control. I think by now we know what your #selfie looks like.

#annoying.

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Crazy Like A Lifetime Movie.

I have a friend. Let’s call her Crazy because that is exactly what she is. Lifetime Movie Network crazy. Bat-shit crazy.

She is the girl that obsesses about a man the split second she meets him. And by obsess, I mean this girl would literally kill herself OR someone else if he doesn’t respond to her text, call, Facebook message or tweet within the hour it was sent. It’s bad.

I don’t know how to help her but can you really? Can you really help people that are that far-removed from planet earth? Yes, you can blame it on insecurities and daddy issues but let’s be real some people just DON’T accept reality because they don’t want to.

My most recent run-in with Crazy was when she wanted me to partake in a Thursday night bar excursion to one of the most poppin’ post-work hot spots in Arlington. The girl doesn’t drink (not a complaint, just a fact.) The whole purpose for Crazy wanting to go to the bar was to make a man jealous.

A man who had denied her the previous month explaining to her how he wanted to get back with his ex-girlfriend. He even told Crazy that she belonged in a mental institution. He DID NOT WANT HER. He didn’t respond to any of her pleas for attention. He told her to get the f*** out of his house the last day they hung out. (Now that’s the kind of man I wanna date! Not.)

Crazy did not decode his terrible insults correctly. It went in one ear, through the brain factory and came out like a romantic comedy where his insults turned in compliments and only made her want him more. Her assumption was that if we showed up to the bar looking “hot” he would fall madly in love with her and whisk her off into the sunset.

Ladies, if he treats you like this – HE DOES NOT WANT YOU.

DO NOT STALK HIM AT THE BAR.

DO NOT MAKE SEXY APPEARANCES AT HIS BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION.

DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT COULD BE THE PREMISE FOR A LIFETIME MOVIE.

He is not going to magically decide you are the woman of his dreams.

Here is what is going to happen:

1. He is going to think you are a stalker.

2. He is not even going to notice how “hot” you look because he is going to be too busy trying to exit the situation as swiftly as he can.

3. He will try to get a restraining order.

So unless you like spending hours in a jail cell here is what I suggest: if he acts like he doesn’t want you, move on. Move so far on you’re in a different country.  There are plenty of fish in the sea and if a fish decides he doesn’t like your bait, he NEVER WILL.

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Even a Spoonful of sugar doesn’t help kim kardashian go down.

Over the weekend, I had the joy of spending hours upon hours in front of the television watching ABC Family’s Magical Musical weekend. Now, for those of you that didn’t get the chance to participate in this magical experience, it was basically a giant explosion of classic Disney movies with soundtracks you hear blaring down sorority halls in attempts to be “nostalgic.” Most of these movies were of the animated sort (eg. Lion King, Cinderella and Aladdin) with the exception of one.

Mary Poppins. (partially animated.)

My favorite part of the weekend was the fact ABC Family included Mary Poppins in their line-up. They didn’t have to. This movie was made is 1964 and let’s face it, sadly it is probably the least familiar out of the entire group to anyone still watching ABC Family – what I guess to be ages 6-35 if you have small children.

That being said, Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews were absolutely glorious in this film and it is easily one of my favorites of all time. If you haven’t any clue what I am referring to – here is the original 1964 trailer. Dancing penguins and all.

After I realized I had been sitting in the same cross-legged position for over two hours with my eyes glued to the television chowing down on a Ben & Jerry’s pint of Whirled Peace I began thinking about the moral demise of our generation. (Insert sad statistic about how we are all terrible people now here. Ha! Just kidding. Kinda.)

I realized I just spent a good portion of my day watching a beautifully crafted movie with little to no drama and I felt great about myself afterward. I wanted to go out, to have fun, to wear whatever I wanted, to use my imagination and to be a kid again.  And maybe even try to dance like a penguin.

Now, it is possible these emotions stemmed from my recent realization that I am indeed an adult and need to grow up, but, I can safely say, I probably would have felt this way at any age.

The only thing I would complain about was that somewhere, during those two hours of pure magic, I was so rudely interrupted by a commercial for “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.” It was like my television had eaten something unpleasant and puked all over my living room. (Much like when you watch one of your cats blow chunks – all you can think about is how you’ll have to clean it up later and you hope to god you wait long enough so it’s no longer warm and spongy.)

If you don’t know what “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” is you’re a better person for it.

That was the condensed explanation. Just watch the trailer. I don’t want to use my valuable blogging time promoting trash. That, and I like to stick to about 700 words.

I could be biased, but what I got from that trailer were two girls screaming and crying about how they need more money on top of their already unjustifiable millions. And, let’s face it – they aren’t even that attractive.

(I found this extremely ironic considering one of the main themes of the film I was currently watching is the promotion of social conscientiousness and stewardship. But, I digress.)

My whole point is that I think we would be far better off if there was some sort of quality filter in television. I understand that it is a bit unfair to compare the two. One is meant for children and the other is meant for young-adults but the truth is, unfortunately, no matter whom it is meant for, the ages are overlapping and the people that aren’t supposed to be watching Bitches Take New York do. (And I am going to jump to a huge conclusion that it has something to do with the fact that all my friends are convinced they need a prescription for Prozac.)

If that point isn’t enough here is a brief outline of thoughts I felt after seeing the two:

Mary Poppins:

  1. Mary Poppins makeup is so pretty. I love that natural look.
  2. Dick Van Dyke is such a great guy. What a “husband.” (My friends and I call eligible bachelors with good morals husbands.)
  3. I want to be Mary Poppins.
  4. I can be Mary Poppins. They sell carpetbags at the thrift store.
  5. What a great family dynamic. Look at them overcoming their differences.
  6. Aw.

K&K Take New York

  1. Why did she marry that guy. He’s ugly. Are they still married? Maybe I should pickup a People.
  2. Why don’t I have a multi-million dollar clothing line?
  3. They aren’t even that cute. Those clothes look like they came off the sale rack at Wet Seal and they’re selling them for half my paycheck?
  4. What the hell.
  5. UGH.
  6. Mary Poppins would never get in a bar fight.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize you feel more negative emotions when watching something negative than when you do watching something positive.

So, I will leave you with this -the pure elegance and grace that is Julie Andrews and the hopes that you don’t have to experience the television equivalent of cat puke during your next favorite movie.

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Don’t Bake a Man a pie unless he takes you out. period.

Lately, I have been a little down in the dumps about my current single state. (I mean at 23 my life is almost over right?!) Now, I should remember I go on a new date almost weekly, so really single is maybe the wrong word.

I am the ultimate first-dater.

With no follow-up dates in the past 4 months.

I have determined this could be due to one of three factors …

1. I am too hilarious for them. My wit is too quick. My jokes are too cutting edge.

I tend to only go on dates with men with a great sense of humor. That ranks first on my list of “Vital Qualities in a Man.” This list gets revised often but humor never seems to leave first position. When I think about it I can’t recall the last time I saw two really funny people date each other. (And, yes, I think I am really funny.)

My quintessential perfect relationship is Pam and Jim on The Office. Is that too much to ask? A tall, kind of good-looking funny guy with a great sense of humor that worships me even when I have frizzy poofy hair.

2. They’re too active.

I chase after men who have graduated first in their class, traveled to 7,000 different countries, speak three languages and know classic rock trivia like the back of their hand. What I fail to remember is that this combination of awesome comes with a price. The reason they’re still dating is because they are spending too much of their free time being awesome and not enough trying to be in a relationship.

There is something to learn from this. Put more awesome in my life until I have so much awesome that I can’t remember I am single. I’m trying. I’m getting a dog.

3. I don’t put out.

I generally don’t even kiss on the first date. My grandma always told me “Don’t bake a man a pie unless he takes you out.”

I translated this to modern day to mean “Don’t give the man the goods unless he takes you on at least three dates.” (Even though on my OkCupid profile I market myself as not sleeping with a guy until 6 or more dates … I am trying to appear like moral wife material.)

I think this is actually a good thing and you know what? I don’t want a second if all they want is a piece of my pilates-ass. Even if it is firm and shapely and begging for more action.

Now, honestly, yes, I could still be single because men just plain don’t like me or didn’t enjoy their date with DC’s most eligible blonde but I am trying to be more positive. Doing the whole it’s not me it’s them thing. I don’t even have any pie ingredients anyway, maybe I am not ready for this.

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Don’t Smash My Pumpkins

During one of my many social media breaks throughout the day I stumbled across one of my not-really-a-friend-but-my-friend-on-Facebook’s status. I had met this woman during some networking happy hour at a small dive bar in DC. (Let’s be real, we don’t actually go to these things to make connections. It’s more of a great excuse to get drunk on a Thursday and leave work early to “network.”)

My first impressions of this woman were that she probably wasn’t ever quite cool enough in high school and was attempting to make up for it in her early 30s by being loud, overly-outgoing and a networking event planner. I am not taking stabs at event planning (I would love to do this job) or even the effects of not being popular in high school – it is merely an observation and list of characteristics this woman seems to possess.  Let’s say she reminds me of the female version of Andy from The Office.

Her Facebook status was what really drove my observation home. It went something along the lines of  “You know who can get off my radio (and Pandora, 8-tracks, and all our clients’ playlists) post-effing-haste? Smashing Pumpkins. Seriously, so annoying.”

The Smashing Pumpkins? Really? Out of all the definitive bands of the 90s this is the one you choose? I am not even so sure I am upset she chose one of my favorite bands of all time. I think it is more the mere fact that she failed to realize the reason people play songs like “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” and “Tonight, Tonight” at weddings. It is not because they are romantic, but because they define a generation and create a sense of unity and nostalgia because for a moment in time you can return to an age when things were simple in your life. These songs are escape-songs -the songs you can belt out because they have followed you and stuck by you. They’ve stood the test of time unlike a lot of unpredictable things in your life. Billy Corgan isn’t the problem here.

The same can be said for Britney Spears, Pearl Jam, Rod Stewart (in case you’re a little older.) They were there for you when you were getting ready for your first dance. They’re the group you bought tickets to 10 years later because they had a 6-city reunion tour. They shared experiences with you that even the person you’re marrying never could have.

Let people have their Smashing Pumpkins. Their Nirvana. Their Journey. I don’t care how many times I have to hear Don’t Stop Believin’, hell, I don’t even care if it’s the only Journey song you know. You belt that shit out as loud as you can.

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Valentine for Bid

Maybe it’s the rain right now and the fact I have my window open. Or maybe it’s because one of my favorite 90s songs is playing in the background like a bad high-school melodrama lullaby (Torn by Natalie Imbruglia – this is supposed to be a depressing song but I always find it uplifting … weird) but I am in quite a good mood this morning.

Searching the web for freelance jobs is almost as torturous as sitting in line at the DMV. You never know if you’ll actually get to come up to the front counter before they close. Or if when you actually get up to the front counter they’ll tell you that you need to fill out a 20 page packet because you don’t fit the requirements. It’s a slow painful soul-sucking experience that only the lucky ones, the ones who chose to major in something that there is not enough room for in the world, get to participate in.

But every once in a while you run into something that changes your whole perspective about the day. Today, it was a post by a young man just looking to have a few turtles drawn.

Image(My only complaint : for this young man to receive a well done illustration project he is going to have to add a few zeros to those “fixed price” numbers he’s posted, but I digress.)

After spending the majority of 2012 single and ready to mingle without much luck doing the second, I have been waiting to see something love-related that doesn’t involve a public display of forced affection. This proposition for a bid is pure, selfless, creative love at its best. The boy has clearly thought about this. He just wants to add a few turtles.

If I had a little more experience with my Crayola 64 pack, I would have launched my bid quicker than you can say Singapore but my illustration skills aren’t quite up to par. But here’s to hoping that this adorable couple I stumbled across in my selfish pursuit for a freelance job have a lifetime of happiness at Turtle Lake … and that one of my freelance application bids receives an acceptance.

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Cougar Town : Making sure we get our work done after watching too many reruns of the big bang theory

Courteney Cox drives me crazy. And by crazy, I mean she is the absolute only thing I could ever dislike about Friends. She isn’t funny. She’s that roommate you can’t stand because every chance she gets she’ll convince you the only reason the apartment is dirty is because you don’t clean every five minutes. She’s obnoxious but has somehow found her way yet again to a main role in a sitcom.

courteney-cox-cougar-town__oPt

For the amount of commercials, magazine covers and Pandora interruptions TBS has decided to run on this already failed series (in their 4th season) I certainly hope this show makes their money back. I would hate for TBS to go out of business because they decided to waste their fresh outlet for quirky sitcoms on a show with a few no-names and an actress with a dead career.

Cougar Town has been so run into the ground over the past 3 months that if I didn’t know any better I would have been convinced it was the television premier of the decade. What is weird about Cougar Town is it is more of a “forced” run into the ground as opposed to the accidental. (eg bubble necklaces, this may well be my favorite blog topic.) Was their marketing team’s goal to make us so annoyed that we would feel obligated to watch?

The Wall Street Journal’s take on this situation certainly is enlightening. They’re convinced that a niche television show can only survive on cable. While this may be true, I do not think the issue lies in whether it is a “niche” program. I think it lies in whether or not people want to spend an hour watching Courteney Cox’s character and entourage of boring friends drink wine. I’m pretty sure they don’t.

I think last night was the second episode. I didn’t watch. Did they drink wine?

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Top 7 Most Overdone or to-be Overdone Pinterest Trends

Disclaimer: Overdone doesn’t mean bad or ugly or unfashionable. These are some of the top trends from the past 6 months. By overdone, I mean left in the oven so long you can’t even tell what you’ve cooked.

7. The Pinterest-inpsired Halloween costume.

Scrubbies. Beanie babies. Lumberjacks. Oh my!

(Don’t be insulted, you looked cute and so did the rest of the 1997 beanie baby collection.)

6. Peplum

Your early adapters have it right now but I promise it will be out in full force in the next month. And even the girls who shouldn’t be in peplum will be sporting their brand new shirt with wings.

5. Chevron

Cute. But let’s remember how horizontal stripes tend to make us look and realize chevron probably does half the damage. Remember the photo I talked about in “Pinterest’s Attack on the Early Adapters …”? Please don’t let this happen to chevron in the Spring. PLEASE. I BEG YOU.

4. “the watch”

This one has been going on for a few years now. It is the big super-chunky watch that every girl and their mother seems to own. If you’re lucky, it is the Michael Kors version. I guess in such a busy world it has become trendy to know the time.

3. Ombre hair

I actually like this one because for years Ive struggled with my bad roots and now I fear no longer. They’re Pinterest-approved!

2. Colored Jeans

These are not a flattering look on a lot of people but somehow seem to have found their way into just about everyone’s closet. Using the brightest color possible to draw attention to your “problem” areas doesn’t sound like a successful “find-a-man” tactic to me.

1. Bubble Necklaces.

Enough said.

Have any we missed? We would love to keep this list ongoing. Leave us a comment!

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Pinterest’s attack on the early-adapters. Bubble necklace edition.

Monogramming. Peplum. Chevron. Michael Kors watches. BUUUBBLLLEEE NNNEECCCKLLLACCESSS!

Someone make the connection here, please.

Pinterest.

The social virtual cork board that is Pinterest is killing fashion.

I repeat, it is literally sucking the life out of every girl with a credit card, a closet and a desire to “fit in.” I was on Facebook the other day (yes, one of the other life ruiners) and have never seen so many bubble necklaces in one photo. This photo was taken of a group of girls who had gone out TO THE BAR. TOGETHER. And wouldn’t ya know it they were color blocking! (Debating whether or not to post this photo had to be the hardest decision of this post … I would hate for one of my eyes to be poked out by an angry girl with a colorful piece of plastic once this “trend” is over.)

Now, last I checked wearing the exact same outfit as someone within a mile radius was embarrassing.  These girls probably even got ready together. But wait! The bubble necklaces were different colors! So it’s ok, right? No.

Bring yourselves back to Comm 101. The innovation curve. You have your innovators – your 2.5%, your designers of the world. Next you have the early adapters, the Lauren Conrads, the people who “approve” the cool. After that we have the rest of us ranging from the early majority to the laggards. Traditionally, if you’re early majority you’re good to go.

These bubble necklace wearing fools believe they are the early adapters and if they’re being modest – the early majority. They’re the ones who are convinced they’ve got the next big thing.  They’re the “cool girls.” Well sorry ladies, Pinterest has now made it impossible for you to have anything remotely exciting or original. The amount of time the company will take to ship you your brand new piece of flair is about the same amount of time it will take the girl in the “weird sorority” to put it in her shopping cart and check-out.

Before Pinterest, you were able to hang onto those few months of glory – the moment when you knew everyone wanted to ask where you got those shoes but how dare you give up such precious valuable information that puts you on the top of the social A-list. Now, your “cool” clothes are more a short-lived flash fire rather than a slow burning ember. You’ll walk into the bar wearing the same fur vest (god, you must be so sweaty under there) over a white see through-button up shirt with chunky watch to match as every other post-graduate girl with a computer.

My advice, don’t pin clothes you like. Drag and drop those puppies to your desktop. Use the “new folder” button like it’s your best friend. Keep it to yourself for the sake of your “cool” factor.

PInterest

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